原来神一直在带领我

原来神一直在带领我

一、不一样的微笑

2018年，我第一次带着女儿一起飞越重洋，去珀斯看望在那里生活多年的弟弟小东。

出发前，心里总悬着一丝牵挂：他们一家人在异国他乡，身边没有多少亲人，会不会觉得孤单？会不会很不习惯？在那个与家乡和亲人相隔千山万水的地方，面对那么多的语言障碍和文化隔阂，他们会不会过得特别艰难？

可是，当我在他们家住了一个月之后，我所有的担心都烟消云散了。

因为我发现，他们有一个非常温暖的“大家庭”，人与人之间不分年龄、背景、种族、原生文化，全都以弟兄姊妹相称。

第一次跟着弟弟走进教会，我就发现，每一个人脸上都有一种很特别的笑容。那种笑容干净而透亮，不是礼貌性的敷衍，不像世俗社交场合的客套，而是一种自然流露的喜乐，让我这个从未接触过教会的人也能感受到，那是从心底里流淌出来的笑意。他们彼此相爱，真诚无私；互相帮助，自然热情。即使是我这样一个一直生活在无论神环境中、也向学生们灌输了多年无神论思想的退休教师，竟也能真真切切地感受到有一种温柔而坚定的力量从他们心里由内而外发出来，虽然我根本无法说清那是什么。

“你们虽然没有见过祂，却是爱祂；如今虽不得看见，却因信祂就有说不出来、满有荣光的大喜乐。”（彼得前书 1:8）

结束在澳洲的假期、和女儿返回中国之后，就有人向我问起在澳洲的所见所闻。我回顾了那个“大家庭”带给我的心灵震撼，告诉他们说：我们平常的生活，总是忙忙碌碌，为工作奔波，为生活操劳，有时候甚至搞不清楚自己到底为什么而活，在反反复复无休无止的攀比和内耗中掏空自己的生命；可是在那个远方的教会里，我看到的是另一种生命，与我们所处的环境截然不同的生命——有平安，有喜乐，有爱，也有清晰的方向。

二、遗憾的错过

在我和女儿离开珀斯返回中国以前，弟弟小东坦诚地向我们分享了主耶稣的福音。他告诉我们，没有主耶稣的生命是枯干、没有盼望也没有意义的。人生活在罪的捆绑中，就自然生出许多焦虑、愁苦、抱怨和绝望。人生于天地间，如果远离天父赐给我们的灵，无异于行尸走肉。而行事如果单靠自己的力量，那必然常常陷在自傲或者自怨自艾的漩涡里，难以自拔。而更重要的是，主耶稣的祝福不只在今生，更在于我们此生过后的至美归宿。

说实话，在听到他以拳拳之心与我们分享的时候，我心中是有触动的。因为这些年的经历，我深深明白生存于世的各种艰难。好花不长开，明月不长圆，人生于世短短几十年，风雨飘摇的日子似乎总比阳光灿烂的时候多，事与愿违的时候也总比梦想成真的时候多。而且人生中的种种逆境和沮滞，好象不需要理由，运气也罢，命运也罢，好像都不掌握在我们自己手里。然而，在心动的同时，我的心里充满了忐忑和不安。一方面，有一个声音对我说：你信了唯物主义这么多年，还去信什么神？你的信心不会纯粹，你也不会足够虔诚，你就算信神也没有用……另一方面，多少年来被动接受的无神论观念，已不知不觉地在我生命中筑成了一道坚固的壁垒，不是说放下就能放下的。那么多年来坚强而独立地活着，似乎也把该有的问题解决得很好了。难道这个时候，我还需要一个神吗？在这样的思想拉扯和犹豫中，那一次我并没有如弟弟所愿，倒空自己而真正接受主耶稣，并像女儿一样开开心心地接受洗礼。

可是，离开弟弟回国以后，我就常常不由自主地想起那些天与弟弟的对话，想起他充满期待的眼神和毋庸置疑的语气。是的，他是我至亲的弟弟，他不会把不好的东西拿来给我，他也是我一直引以为傲的智商情商双商在线的弟弟，不会笨到去相信一个假的神，然后自欺欺人地来忽悠我。何况与弟弟在一起的亲人们都已经和他一样洋溢着信心所带来的喜乐了，为什么我当时就那么怯懦，没有勇气迈出那一步呢？这件事一直在我心里盘旋，挥之不去。

那时候，弟弟告诉我，无论什么时候，我们都可以奉这位主耶稣的名祷告，神垂听我们的祷告。后来他还在电话中鼓励我：你尝试祷告，试过你就知道，祂就是又真又活的神。

于是在遇到解决不了的问题的时候，我就开始有些怯生生地试着祷告，按照弟弟教我的方法与神对话。在这些断断续续的祷告中，我也会想起那次错过的与神合一的机会，心里涌起一种说不出的遗憾——为什么我当时没有勇敢一点？为什么我没有更早地去靠近主？

“看哪，现在正是悦纳的时候；现在正是拯救的日子。”（哥林多后书 6:2）

那一种“错过了”的感觉，好像一根刺，轻轻扎在我心里，提醒着我：有一个邀请，你还没有回应。

三、火车上的奇妙医治

在后来的日子里，在生活中一件又一件的小事上，在一次又一次的祷告中，我开始更多地经历神，也更清楚地看见祂。当然，有时在忙乱的境遇中，我也会短暂地忘记这位神，仍然习惯靠自己的能力解决问题，直到无路可走无计可施。

印象最深的那一次，是我带着孩子坐火车时所经历的奇妙医治。

那天把孩子安顿好以后，我在自己的座位上坐下来，腰部放射出的一阵阵剧烈的疼痛穿透神经，让我几乎无法承受。这种严重的腰肌劳损是多年的老毛病了，那些年腰痛反反复复，常常折磨得我苦不堪言。没有对症的药物，也没有找到合适的疗法。那天坐在火车座椅上，我无比清晰地感觉到那种痛感一波一波地冲击着自己的忍耐力。我不敢发出声音，也不敢表现得太异常，只能以手轻压，默默地强忍着等待痛感过去。可是感觉很长时间过去了，情况并没有改善，心里无以言状的无奈、自怜和无助感就汹涌而来。我该怎么办？我能怎么办？那一刻，我突然想起了弟弟小东，想起他叮嘱我在困难中要向神祷告呼求。

那时候的痛感几乎将我的意志压垮，我尝试祷告的时候并没有多少信心，甚至带着一些自责，觉得自己有问题了才急急忙忙去找神，祂凭什么愿意医治这样的一个我？而且这个顽疾困扰我多年，我也没少寻医问药，都没有办法解决，祂，那个看不见摸不着的神，真的会医治我吗？

在痛感的催逼下，我别无选择，暗暗对自己说：已经这么难受了，何不试试，万一真的有用呢？就算神不会立刻医治我，祂也许在听到祷告以后，会让我慢慢好起来呢？弟弟说祂有医治的大能，只要祂愿意，我一定会好起来。就是带着这一点点的“万一”的希望，和一点点的愿意尝试的心，我坐在火车上，闭上眼睛，对我心中的神说：“祢也许知道我此刻的痛苦，我求祢帮助我。祢看见我心中的那些高墙，那些在多年唯物主义教育中越砌越高的障碍。祢一定可以除去，一定可以让我靠祢得到自由。我不敢奢求祢回应我的祷告，但我知道祢在听……”

即便信心那么小，奇妙的事情还是发生了。

因为要照顾孩子的需要，火车在我的一片忙乱中停靠目的地。在我们辗转抵达酒店，把行李物事全部放下来，稍微有了安静的一刻之后，我突然想起来：咦，我的腰痛呢？之前把我困扰得死去活来的腰肌劳损，此刻我完全感觉不到。“一点都不疼了！”意识到情况的自己喜极而呼。

当时我的信心是那么小，还想，也许这就是病情的反复，时好时坏吧。然而，从那天开始，出状况的时候越来越少，强度也越来越小，折磨我多年的腰肌劳损，就在我甚至渐渐忘记它的时候，彻底地被神治愈了。好几年过去了，我现在身体越来越健壮有力。想起当年在家里，即使端个盆子我都觉得力不从心；而现在，就算拿五六十斤的东西，对我来说也不是难事。当我拿过去和现在作出对比的时候，我都无比惊讶于那种翻转式的变化。

“我的心哪，你要称颂耶和华……祂赦免你的一切罪孽，医治你的一切疾病。”（诗篇 103:2-3）

这件事对我心灵的撼动是可想而知的，因为它使我刻骨铭心地亲历了祷告的力量，也让我开始认认真真地思想：原来，神真的在看顾我，祂没有忽略我的祷告。原来，当我用微弱的信心和声音向祂呼求的时候，甚至在那之前，祂已经按祂无与伦比的慈爱，预备了给我的医治和救恩。

四、生命渐渐改变

今天回头看这些年，我真的非常感恩。因为我清清楚楚地看见，神带给我的，并不仅仅是身体上的医治。

因为这半生的阅历和辛酸，我过去的生活中充满了烦躁和焦虑，情绪特别容易爆表，有时候一点小事就让自己躁动不安。譬如，下班回家找不到停车位，或者家里事情多的时候，心里就很容易乱，甚至会觉得喘不过气来。

在我知道有这位神以前，我凡事都自己扛。女子本弱，为母则刚，我觉得所有的难处，咬咬牙就能挺过去；一切的煎熬，忍忍就会柳暗花明。那些年里，我就用自己并不十分结实的肩膀，承载着自己和家人一切的软弱和需要，也乐于活成别人眼中那个坚强、乐观、百折不挠的自己，而把那些不足为外人道也的伤痛掖进自己坚实的外壳里，从不展示或触碰。

知道有神以后，我慢慢明白我不再需要自己硬撑。我不需要做到满分，因为有祂当我的后盾。当我开始学着向神祷告，把生活中各种鸡毛蒜皮却让我不胜其烦的琐事、把那些压在我心头的重担，一样一样地交托给祂的时候，我那样真切地看见，我肩上背上那些跟随我多年的沉重石头，就一点点地被主耶稣接过去，我的心越来越轻，真的慢慢安静下来了。

祷告后心里的那种平安，是如此真实，我整个人变得轻松了，再次抬眼看这个世界的时候，我都觉得它变得更明亮、更干净了。

“应当一无挂虑，只要凡事藉着祷告、祈求，和感谢，将你们所要的告诉神。神所赐出人意外的平安，必在基督耶稣里保守你们的心怀意念。”（腓立比书 4:6-7）

而更让我感恩的是，当我愿意向神靠近一点点的时候，我们的家庭气氛更加平和而有爱，我自己的心里也多了信心增长所带来的喜乐。我知道自己还有很多软弱，还有很多地方没有完全交托。但我愿意继续努力，一步一步地靠近祂，让自己更像祂。

五、我愿意成为神的孩子

从2018年与祂初遇，到现在已经过去了近八年。有时候想想，我真的是一个很笨、很软弱的孩子。我走得那么慢，信心也常有起落。可是我又是多么有福，因为那天地万物的创造主，那大而可畏的永生神，我们的天父阿爸，祂竟然从来没有因为我的笨、我的软弱而放弃我，祂一直在等我，在静静地带领着我。

这些年，虽然我没有常常在人前开口称颂祂，祂却一直有高山低谷中与我同行，接过我的重担，成为我的力量，让我和孩子们在祂的爱中一同成长。

所以今天，我愿意来到主耶稣的面前，愿意受洗，成为神的孩子。

回想那一次在火车上剧痛之中的祷告，当时的我对自己将得医治仍然半信半疑，只是带着一点点尝试的意愿和“万一可以呢”的心态开始了与祂的对话，可是神却真实地回应了我——祂不只是医治了我的身体，更是一步一步地改变了我的生命。

回头望去，我慢慢明白了一件事：神并不是等我变得多好、多完全才接纳我。而是在我还软弱、还在犹豫、还在张望、还不敢确定的时候，祂就已经毫无保留地把祂的爱浇灌在我生命里，让我随时可以去寻求祂的带领和帮助。

这些年的经历也让我终于明白，我在教会里看到的那些“干净的笑容”和“彼此相爱的生命”，并非偶然，而是因为神就住在弟兄姊妹们的心里，把祂的爱和光从他们脸上身上散发出来。

而今天，我也愿意成为这样的人，让那些迷失在尘世间的人，能够从我的身上看到祂的亮光，感受到从神而来的暖意和力量。

虽然我仍然不完全，仍然会软弱，但我愿意把自己全然交在主的手中，继续被祂陶造、被祂引领。从今以后，我不再只靠自己去面对生活，而是愿意学习信靠主，把我的一切忧虑、重担都交托给祂。

“我一生一世必有恩惠慈爱随着我。”（诗篇 23:6）

父啊，求祢继续在我生命中动工，让我的生命越来越像祢，越来越有祢的样式，也求祢使用我，让我成为一个有平安、有爱、也有能力去爱别人的人。

感谢我的主，一直没有放弃我，也带领我走到了今天。

（洗礼后苏本仁牧师向余小琴姊妹颁发洗礼证书）

God Has Been Leading Me All Along

Sister YU Xiaoqin's Testimony of Baptism

I. A Different Kind of Smile

In 2018, I flew across the ocean with my daughter for the first time to visit my younger brother Xiaodong, who had been living in Perth for many years.

Before our departure, I carried a quiet worry in my heart: Would their family feel lonely so far from home, with so few relatives around? Would they struggle with the unfamiliarity of it all? In a place so distant from everything they knew, facing language barriers and cultural differences at every turn—would life be terribly hard for them?

But after staying with them for a month, every one of my concerns melted away.

I discovered that they had a warm, loving "extended family"—a community where people called one another brothers and sisters, regardless of age, background, race, or culture of origin.

The first time I followed my brother into the church, I noticed something remarkable on every face: a smile unlike any I had seen before. It was pure and radiant—not the polite, perfunctory smile of social etiquette, but a natural, overflowing joy. Even I, who had spent my whole life in a godless environment and had taught Atheism to my students for decades as a retired teacher, could sense that there was something gentle yet unwavering radiating from within these people. I couldn't put it into words, but I felt it unmistakably.

"Though you have not seen Him, you love Him; and even though you do not see Him now, you believe in Him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy." (1 Peter 1:8)

After returning to China with my daughter, people asked me about my time in Australia. I reflected on the impact that "extended family" had made on my heart, and I told them: Our everyday lives are so consumed with busyness — working, worrying, striving — that sometimes we lose sight of why we're even living, draining ourselves dry in endless comparison and internal conflict. But in that church far away, I saw a different kind of life — one utterly unlike what we were used to. A life filled with peace, joy, love, and a clear sense of direction.

II. A Missed Opportunity

Before my daughter and I left Perth to return to China, my brother Xiaodong shared the gospel of the Lord Jesus with us openly and sincerely. He told us that a life without Jesus is dry, hopeless, and meaningless. Living in bondage to sin, we naturally produce anxiety, bitterness, complaints, and despair. To live in this world cut off from the Spirit our Heavenly Father gave us is to walk as the living dead. And to do everything by our own strength is to fall again and again into the whirlpool of pride or self-pity, unable to escape. But more than that, he said, the blessings of Jesus are not only for this life — they also secure our ultimate destiny after this life.

Honestly, as I listened to him speak with such heartfelt earnestness, something stirred within me. Through all these years, I had come to understand the hardships of living in this world. Flowers don't bloom forever, and the moon is not always full. Our time on this earth is brief — just a few decades — and stormy days seem to outnumber sunny ones; disappointment seems to come more often than dreams fulfilled. And the adversities and setbacks of life — they appear to need no reason. Luck, fate — none of it seemed to be in our control.

Yet even as my heart was moved, I was filled with hesitation and unease. On one hand, a voice inside me said: You've believed in materialism all these years — how can you now believe in God? Your faith won't be pure, your devotion won't be sincere. There's no point. On the other hand, the atheistic worldview I had passively absorbed over so many years had imperceptibly built a fortress in my life — one I couldn't simply dismantle. I had lived independently and strongly for so long, and I'd managed to resolve most of my problems well enough. Did I really need a God now?

Caught in this tug-of-war of thoughts and doubts, I did not, as my brother had hoped, empty myself and truly accept the Lord Jesus, nor did I joyfully receive baptism like my daughter did that time.

But after I left my brother and returned home, I found myself constantly thinking back to those conversations — his eager eyes, his unwavering tone. Yes, he was my dearest brother; he would never offer me anything harmful. And he was the brother I had always been proud of — intelligent, emotionally mature, no fool. He wouldn't believe in a false god and then deceive me out of self-delusion. Besides, all our relatives who were with him shared that same joy that comes from faith. So why had I been so timid? Why hadn't I had the courage to take that step? The question lingered in my mind, refusing to fade away.

At that time, my brother told me that whenever we needed to, we could pray in the name of Jesus, and God hears our prayers. Later, he encouraged me over the phone: "Try praying. Once you do, you'll know He is the living and true God."

So when I encountered problems I couldn't solve, I began to pray timidly, speaking to God in the way my brother had taught me. In those sporadic prayers, I often thought back to that missed opportunity to be united with God, and a deep regret would well up in my heart — Why wasn't I braver then? Why didn't I draw closer to the Lord sooner?

"For he says, 'In the time of my favour I heard you, and in the day of salvation I helped you.' I tell you, now is the time of God's favour, now is the day of salvation." (2 Corinthians 6:2)

That feeling of "missing out" was like a small thorn pricking my heart — a gentle reminder that an invitation still awaited my response.

III. A Marvelous Healing on the Train

In the days that followed, through one small matter after another, and through prayer after prayer, I began to experience God more and see Him more clearly. Of course, in the midst of life's chaos, I would sometimes briefly forget about Him and default to solving things on my own — until I reached a dead end with nowhere left to turn.

The most unforgettable moment was the miraculous healing I experienced while traveling by train with my child.

After settling my child in, I sat down in my seat — and a searing pain shot through my lower back, radiating along my nerves, almost too much to bear. This severe lumbar muscle strain was a chronic issue that had plagued me for years, flaring up again and again and tormenting me endlessly. No medication seemed to help, and no treatment had ever worked.

That day, sitting in the train seat, I felt each wave of pain assault my endurance with startling clarity. I dared not cry out or show any visible distress, so I pressed gently on the spots with my hand, silently enduring and waiting for the pain to pass. But after what felt like a very long time, nothing improved. A wave of helplessness, self-pity, and despair washed over me. What could I do? What was I supposed to do?

In that moment, I suddenly remembered my brother Xiaodong, and how he had urged me to call out to God in prayer when I was in trouble.

At that point, the pain was so crushing that my will was nearly broken. When I tried to pray, I had little faith — I even felt a sense of shame, thinking: I only run to God when I'm in trouble — why would He be willing to heal someone like me? And this was a stubborn condition I had battled for years; I'd seen so many doctors and tried so many remedies, all to no avail. Would He — this God I couldn't see or touch — truly heal me?

Driven by the agony, I had no other choice. I said to myself: I'm already suffering this much — why not give it a try? What if it actually works? Even if God doesn't heal me immediately, maybe He will, after hearing my prayer, gradually make me better. My brother said He has the power to heal, and if He is willing, I will surely recover.

With that tiny glimmer of "what if" hope, and a heart willing to make the attempt, I sat on the train, closed my eyes, and spoke to the God I believed in: "You know the pain I'm in right now—I ask You to help me. You see those walls in my heart, those barriers built higher and higher through years of materialist education. You can surely remove them. You can surely set me free through You. I dare not presume that You will answer my prayer, but I know You are listening..."

Even with faith so small, something miraculous happened.

Amid the chaos of tending to my child, the train pulled into our destination. After we finally made our way to the hotel, dropped off all our luggage, and had a brief moment of quiet, it suddenly hit me: Wait — where’s my back pain? The muscle strain that had been tormenting me so mercilessly was now completely imperceptible. “It doesn’t hurt at all!” I exclaimed, overjoyed at the realisation.

My faith was still so tiny at that time that I thought, perhaps this is just the usual ebb and flow — sometimes better, sometimes worse. But from that day on, the flare-ups became fewer and fewer, and the intensity diminished more and more. The back pain that had troubled me for years was completely healed by God — healed to the point where I even forgot about it. Several years have passed now, and my body has grown stronger and more vigorous. Before this when even carrying a small basin felt like too much at home; now, lifting fifty or sixty pounds is no challenge at all. When I compare my past with my present, I am amazed at such a complete transformation.

"Praise the LORD, my soul... who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases." (Psalm 103:2-3)

The impact of this on my soul was profound, because I had experienced the power of prayer in a deeply personal way. It made me begin to truly consider: God really does watch over me. He did not ignore my prayer. When I called out to Him with such weak faith and such a small voice — and even before that — He had already, in His immeasurable love, prepared healing and salvation for me.

IV. A Life Gradually Transformed

Looking back over these years today, I am truly grateful, because I can see clearly that what God brought me was not only physical healing.

Given all the hardships and bitterness I had experienced through my lifetime, my past was filled with restlessness and anxiety. My emotions would easily reach a boiling point; sometimes the smallest thing would send me into a spiral of agitation. For example, if I couldn't find a parking spot after work, or if there were too many household chores piling up, I would feel my heart racing and even struggle to catch my breath.

Before I knew of this God, I carried everything on my own. "Though a woman is weak, she becomes strong for her children." I believed that with gritted teeth, I could get through any difficulty; with enough endurance, every trial would eventually pass. In those years, I used my not-so-strong shoulders to bear all the weaknesses and needs of myself and my family. I was happy to be seen by others as strong, optimistic, and indomitable—while tucking away all the wounds I couldn't share with the world beneath a tough exterior that I never revealed or even touched.

After I came to know God, I slowly realised that I no longer had to force myself to hold everything together. I didn't need to be perfect, because He was my refuge. As I learned to pray and bring to Him, one by one, all the trivial but overwhelming burdens of daily life — all those weights pressing down on my heart — I saw so clearly that those heavy stones that had followed me for years were being lifted off my shoulders by Jesus. My heart grew lighter and lighter, truly becoming still.

The peace that came after prayer was so real. I felt my whole being relax. When I looked at the world again, it seemed brighter, purer than before.

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus." (Philippians 4:6-7)

What I am even more grateful for is that when I chose to draw just a little closer to God, our family atmosphere became more peaceful and loving. My own heart gained a joy that came from growing faith. I know I still have many weaknesses and many areas I have yet to fully surrender. But I am willing to keep trying, step by step, to draw nearer to Him and become more like Him.

V. I Am Willing to Be God's Child

From my first encounter with Him in 2018, nearly eight years have passed.

Sometimes I think to myself: I really am a slow, weak child. I walk so slowly, and my faith often rises and falls. Yet how blessed I am — because the Creator of heaven and earth, the great and awesome living God, our Heavenly Father, has never given up on me because of my slowness or weakness. He has been waiting for me all along, quietly leading me.

These years, though I have not often praised Him openly before others, He has walked with me through mountains and valleys, taken my burdens, become my strength, and allowed me and my children to grow together in His love.

So today, I am willing to come before the Lord Jesus, willing to be baptised, and to become a child of God.

When I think back to that prayer in agony on the train — when I was still half-doubting whether I would be healed, when I started that conversation with Him holding only a tiny sliver of willingness and a faint "what if" — God answered me in truth. He didn't just heal my body; He changed my life, step by step.

Looking back now, I have gradually come to understand something: God didn't wait until I was good enough or perfect enough to accept me. When I was still weak, still hesitating, still looking from a distance, still unsure — He was already pouring His love into my life without reservation, so that I could seek His guidance and help at any time.

Through these years of experience, I have finally come to understand that those "clean smiles" and that "life of mutual love" I saw in the church were no accident. It was because God dwells in the hearts of His children, radiating His love and light through their faces and lives.

And today, I too want to become that kind of person — so that those who are lost in this world can see His light in me and feel the warmth and strength that come from God.

Though I am still imperfect, though I will still be weak, I am willing to place myself fully in the Lord's hands, to be molded and led by Him. From now on, I will no longer face life by my own strength alone, but I am willing to learn to trust the Lord and to entrust all my worries and burdens to Him.

"Surely Your goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life." (Psalm 23:6)

Father, I ask You to continue Your work in my life—make me more and more like You, more and more in Your likeness. And I ask You to use me, so that I may become a person of peace, of love, and of the ability to love others.

Thank You, my Lord, for never giving up on me, and for leading me to this very day.