原来，祂一直都在

引言

诗篇139篇5节说：“你在我前后环绕我，按手在我身上。”这句话，是我这一生过去数十年最真实的写照。在我不认识祂的时候，祂就已经认识我；在我还没有爱祂的时候，祂就已经爱我。回望走过的路，从越南到美国，从死亡边缘到恩典深处，我终于明白：不是我寻找到了神，而是神一直在寻找我。

以下，是我生命的故事。

一、怒海余生

1975年，越南战火停息，政权更迭，社会动荡。三年后，母亲决定让家里一两个人先走——坐难民船偷渡出海，看看能否闯出一条生路。偷渡的费用高达十两黄金，约合十二盎司，在当时是一笔巨款。母亲问家里有谁愿意先去，三个兄姐和三个弟妹都没有兴趣。只有我，排行居中，胆子最大，天不怕地不怕，虽然不大会游泳，却不知道什么叫害怕。

于是，我上了船。

那是一条约十八米长的小渔船，塞满了87个人。出发的第一个晚上就遇上了大风浪。海浪不断打进船舱，我们用手死死拉住舱盖，在一望无际的海面上漂流了三天三夜。到岸的时候，我累得倒地就睡着了，睡前甚至不知道自己究竟是死是活。醒来发现自己还活着，心里满是诧异。

后来才知道，1975年至1995年间，乘船逃离越南的难民中，有相当大比例的人葬身海底——联合国难民署估计，约有20万到40万人死于海上。现在看回去，我能够活着上岸，本身就是神的恩典。

在马来西亚的难民营待了十三个月后，我和部分同船人士被转往美国。

多年以后，读到诗篇91篇11节：“因祂要为你吩咐祂的使者，在你行的一切道路上保护你。”我才明白，那不是运气，那是神的看顾。

二、年少时的死里逃生

其实，在坐船之前，我已经有多次死里逃生的经历。

第一次是在越南上初中的时候。我常和朋友们骑脚踏车去乡下玩。那时越南的路没有分车道，大卡车、机动车和脚踏车全都挤在一起。我年少轻狂，喜欢炫技，骑着车就放开了手把。结果下坡时没有看到前面的一块石头，在脚踏车前轮撞到石头时，整部车和人一起摔向高速路中央。就在那一瞬间，一辆大卡车正迎面驶来。我来不及反应，只听见耳边“嘘”的一声巨响，卡车轮胎轰隆隆从我头旁碾过，高速轮胎卷起的凌厉疾风打在我的头上脸上，冷飕飕地把那一刻的惊悚与无助留在了记忆里。我只摔断了手腕骨，小命保住了。只要头再偏前一点点，就会被来不及刹车的卡车碾过。

第二次死里逃生也是在越南。有一天我贪玩，晚上和朋友在冷风里闹腾许久，回家就感冒了。第二天母亲想带我去看医生，但当时正值1975年政权更迭，政府推行货币更换，社会一片混乱，医院不开门，医生不上班。父母好不容易找到一个医生，他那天可能心情不好，开错了药。我吃下去之后，内脏出血，小便排出的全是血，排了一天多，人就昏迷了。送到医院，几乎没有人上班，药买不到，钱不能用。医生说唯一的办法是找盐水打点滴，但所有药房都关了门。父亲在外面跑了一整天，终于找到几袋点滴。那时我已经出现幻觉，失去意识。几袋盐水打进去之后，我慢慢醒了，命又一次保住了。

那时候我不认识神。我只是觉得自己“命大”。如今回头看，我知道那不是幸运——那是神在我不认识祂的时候就拣选并保守了我。

三、一次不成功的偷渡，

一次不平凡的归途

在成功坐船离开越南之前，我还有一次没有成功的偷渡，在那个晚上我也差点没能回家。

那次我和姐夫一起出发，一路颠簸去到乡下与渔船商定的接应点。在海边等待时，才知道因为警察在海边布防，渔船过不来，偷渡计划只能取消。我们不能在当地停留，因为住酒店需要证件；只能设法坐车回西贡。

当时是凌晨一两点，路上的车不多。我们在路边等了很久，没有一辆车愿意为我们停下来。最终有一辆运输建筑材料的卡车愿意搭我们回去。车上堆满了木头和长条的铁支，没有座位，也没有安全带。司机问我们走不走，我们已经别无选择，就按司机指示爬到车顶的货物上方。我们躺在不平整的木头上，手里紧紧抓着旁边的铁条。车子在行进中颠簸，不提那种让人全身散架的不适感，任何一个稍大的抖动、一个翻身或快速的转弯都可能把我们抛到漆黑的公路上。

姐夫一再叮嘱我用力抓紧铁条。但出发半个小时后，我又累又乏，完全没有力气了。我就破罐子破摔地说：“我不抓了，没命就没命了。”然后闭上眼就睡了。后来被叫醒，才知道已经回到西贡。我发现自己还活着，也是十分惊讶。后来知道是姐夫不顾命地紧紧抱住我，才让我不致掉下去，又一次活了下来。

在那四五个月后，我独自离家，坐难民船成功地离开了越南。

诗篇139篇5节说：“你在我前后环绕我，按手在我身上。”原来那双看不见的手，在我姐夫抱住我的时候，在我摔出脚踏车的时候，在我昏迷不醒的时候，一直轻轻按在我的身上。

四、二百块美金与“大胡子叔叔”

从落后贫穷的越南以难民身份抵达美国的时候，十八岁的我全身上下只有二百块美金。那时我不懂几句英文，没有学位，没有工作经验，前途一片渺茫。

到美国的第一年，在洛杉矶一个繁忙的十字路口，我看到一个满脸大胡子的男人，举着一块牌子，上面用英文写着三个大字：“Jesus Loves You”（耶稣爱你）。

当时我脑子里全是问号：“耶稣是谁？他干嘛要爱我？我认识他吗？”

因为在美国举目无亲，政府为我找了一家担保人，他们全家都是基督徒。那是我人生中第一次接触基督徒。当时我不知道基督徒是什么“物种”，只觉得他们热心透顶——替我安排住处、找学校、买衣服，非常耐心地教我适应新生活。

后来陆陆续续有人上门派发圣经，在街上也偶尔能再看到手举“耶稣爱你”标语的人。我慢慢就有了愿意了解的心。但那时候，我仍然不知道那位爱我的耶稣究竟是谁。

五、脱缰的野马与那双看不见的手

父母不在身边，到了美国，我就像一匹脱缰的野马。我认识了一帮背景相似的朋友——很多也是越南难民，父母都不在身边，没有人管。我们聚在一起，抽烟、喝酒，周末一票人开四五个小时的车去拉斯维加斯赌博。

其中有一个挺好的朋友，也是坐船逃难来的越南华侨。后来他加入了帮派，在帮派打斗中不幸死去。我还有一些朋友成了职业赌徒。我亲眼见过一个朋友在赌场赢了很多钱，买了新车在朋友中炫耀，又买了新房子，我们当时还特别羡慕他。可是几个月后再碰到他，才知道他全部东西都输光了——包括不久前炫过的车和房子，一夜之间回到一无所有的状态。

按理说，生活在那样的朋友圈里，我也该跟着陷进去。但奇妙的是，我偏偏没有沉迷，反而冥冥中选择跟他们保持了距离。当时我不懂当时何以有那样的定力，现在我明白了。正如诗篇139篇5节所说：“祢在我前后环绕我，按手在我身上。”那双看不见的手，一直在轻轻拉着我，没让我掉进万丈深渊。

六、高速公路上的“生死时速”

从1988年开始，我在美国做房屋贷款顾问。那时候没有电脑，所有文件都要手写，正式文件还要用打字机，现在几个小时能做完的事情，那时候要花四五倍甚至更长的时间。每天下班后，我都需要大量加班才可能把事务完成。当时为了生活，我不得不每天工作长达十多个小时，往往在下班时已入夜，我还要在高速公路上开车45分钟回家。

有好几次，我累到在开车途中不知不觉睡着了。

你能想象吗？在高速公路上闭着眼睛开车！但每一次，都在最千钧一发的时刻，我猛然惊醒，看到旁边十几米长的大卡车轰隆隆地呼啸而过。这种惊险场面发生了不下五六次，每一次我都奇迹般地在巨大车祸发生前一秒醒过来。（个人经历分享，请勿效仿。）

我现在知道，这绝对不是我“命大”、“运气好”，更不是我反应快，而是神派遣了祂的天使在看顾我。。诗篇91篇11节说：“因祂要为你吩咐祂的使者，在你行的一切道路上保护你。”

七、九年的“决志”

2013年，我参加了洛杉矶方舟福音教会举办的第一届福音诗歌歌唱比赛，得了第三名。方舟教会的牧师何孟修在比赛前为参赛者提供歌唱培训，也向我们传福音。他在成为牧师以前曾是来自台湾的歌手，后来蒙召成为牧师，创立了方舟福音教会。

但是，我当时对福音并没有感动。我来自一个很虔诚的佛教家庭，姐姐每天拜观音，每逢初一十五都持斋。上大学时我修读过人类学，并深信进化论。在我看来，信耶稣只是一部分人的人生选择，与我无关。

然而我喜欢那些赞美诗。每当唱起那些诗歌，我都感到很开心。因为喜欢诗歌，我断断续续地去过一些教会，学到了更多诗歌，也交了很多基督徒朋友。他们真诚、热心，我心里偶尔也闪过一个念头，希望成为他们那样的人。但多年来设下的屏障，并没有让我真正打开心门。

2014年，当时渴望通过比赛结果证明自己能力的我再次参加了方舟教会的歌唱比赛。比赛结束后，我作为冠军被邀请上台领奖。牧师当场呼召会众决志。现场气氛非常热烈，有台湾歌星受邀颁奖，在沸腾的音乐声和牧师的呼召声里，我的心受到了感动。事后回看，我当时是在半推半就的状态下，在领奖台上决志的。即便决志了，我当时对这个决志也没什么概念，并不知道它意味着什么。

决志之后的九年中，我都没有真正想过要受洗。即使参加过多个教会的聚会，我心里一直有一堵屏障，把我和真正的基督徒区别开来。

八、疫情中的祷告

后来到了新冠疫情时期，封城影响了我的工作和生活。我开始每天晚上八点半准时祷告。当时在一个网站上看到信息说，倘若基督徒们同时同心祷告，上达于天，神就有可能垂听怜悯，让疫情早日停止。于是我就每天设闹钟，在晚间八点半准点祷告。

在这个过程中，我的信心也渐渐发生微妙的变化，在心态上越来越把自己看成一个基督徒。

而我真正开始明确地认识主，是在参加洗礼课程的时候。那时候周牧师给我上一对一的洗礼课。因为自己多年的不求甚解，当时感觉压力不小，不得不严肃对待。我开始认认真真地看课程资料，用心去领受圣经的真理。之后，我又参加了教会的查经班，也开始参加手抄圣经，认真研读《尼希米记》等经卷。在这个过程里，我学到了很多，信心也慢慢积累起来。再后来，我又参加了“启发”系列课程，从中得到了很大的启发。在学习的过程中，我回想到人生中的种种经历，开始明白自己遭遇那么多灾难而没有丧命，完全是出于神的看顾和保守。

有一天，我读到一篇题为《沙滩上的脚印》的短诗，说的是一个人在梦中回顾自己的一生，看见沙滩上有时有两行脚印，有时只有一行。在他最痛苦、最艰难的时候，沙滩上只有一行脚印。他望着那一行他以为属于他自己的脚印，问主耶稣：“主啊，为什么在我最需要祢的时候，祢却离开了我？”主回答说：“孩子，我从来没有离开过你。当你只看见一行脚印的时候，那是我在背着你走。”

我非常感动。因为这首短诗让我看见，在过去的那么多年里，神就是那样把我给背过来的。

希伯来书 13章5节中说：“我总不撇下你，也不丢弃你。”原来不论我认不认识祂， 是否接受或者承认祂，天父一直都在那里。在我还不知道祂的时候，祂就已经在默默看顾我、陪着我成长，带我闯过一个又一个难关，脱离了一次又一次险境。

九、受洗：九年的抗拒，终于降服

2023年12月25日是一个阳光明媚的圣诞节，也是我这辈子最重要、最难忘的日子。在经过了长达九年的决志——没错，我抗拒、犹豫了整整九年——我终于“抗拒不住”神的爱，在真恩堂受洗成为了基督徒。

受洗是我人生的转折点。成为一个真正的基督徒不仅让我增长了智慧，也改变了我的思想和行为，更让我清楚见到了一位真正活着的真神。

受洗那天，我分享了何孟修牧师的原创诗歌《重新得力，重新壮胆》，因为这首歌唱出了我的心声：

“我曾经失望，我曾经迷惘，

主的慈爱，主的安慰，永远在身旁。

主是我力量，主是我刚强，

重新得力，重新壮胆，主是我力量。

不再失望，不再迷惘，

重新得力，重新壮胆，哈利路亚!”

当年我唱这首歌的时候，只是觉得旋律好听，把它当成一首歌，仅仅是一首我为参加歌唱比赛而学习的歌曲。如今再唱，每一个字却都唱进了我的心里——无论我曾经怎样迷惘、失望，主的慈爱和安慰，甚至在我一直未曾发觉的时候，都从来没有离开过。

罗马书5章8节说：“惟有基督在我们还作罪人的时候为我们死，神的爱就在此向我们显明了。”耶稣爱我们！祂不仅在我迷茫时护着我，更付出了生命的代价，彻底洁净救赎了我，赐给我永生的盼望。

如今，我可以非常骄傲、也非常幸福地说：我是一个被爱着的基督徒！

结语 那双一直抱着我的手

回望这一生——从越南的怒海到美国的街头，从高速公路上的沉睡到赌场边的清醒，从糊涂决志后九年的抗拒到终于受洗归主——我看见的不是巧合，不是运气，而是一双一直抱着我的手。

启示录21章4节说：“神要擦去他们一切的眼泪；不再有死亡，也不再有悲哀、哭号、疼痛，因为以前的事都过去了。”这是神给每一个信靠他之人的应许。无论你此刻正在风浪中，在迷茫中，在病痛中，在等待中——请相信，那位在沙滩上背着你走过最艰难路段的主，一直都在。

“祢在我前后环绕我，按手在我身上。”（诗篇139:5）

祂从前环绕我，如今环绕我，将来也必环绕我，直到那日，我与祂面对面。

愿一切荣耀、颂赞都归给那位爱我的主，直到永远。阿们!

He Was There All Along

A Life Story Led by the Lord’s Grace

Roger

Prologue

Psalm 139:5 says, “You hem me in behind and before, and You lay Your hand upon me.” This verse is the truest portrayal of my life over the last few decades. Before I knew Him, He already knew me; before I ever loved Him, He already loved me. Looking back on the road I have travelled — from Vietnam to America, from the brink of death to the depths of grace — I finally understand: it was not I who found God, but God who was always seeking me.

The following is the story of my life.

I.  Surviving the Raging Sea

In 1975, the war in Vietnam ended, the government changed hands, and society was thrown into turmoil. Three years later, my mother decided to send one or two members of the family out first — to escape by refugee boat and see if a new way of life could be found. The cost of the journey was ten taels of gold, roughly twelve ounces — an enormous sum at the time.

My mother asked who in the family would be willing to go first. My three older siblings and three younger siblings had no interest. Only I, the middle child and the boldest of the bunch, was willing. I was afraid of nothing. Even though I could barely swim, I simply didn't know what fear was.

So I got on the boat.

It was a small fishing vessel about 18 meters long, packed with 87 people. On the very first night, we encountered a violent storm. Waves kept crashing into the cabin, and we gripped the hatch cover with all our strength as we drifted across a boundless ocean for three days and three nights.

When we finally reached shore, I collapsed and fell asleep on the spot — not even knowing whether I was dead or alive. When I woke up and realised I was still alive, I was filled with astonishment.

Only later did I learn that between 1975 and 1995, a staggering number of refugees who fled Vietnam by boat perished at sea. The UN Refugee Agency estimates that roughly 200,000 to 400,000 people died at sea. Looking back now, the mere fact that I made it to shore alive was itself the grace of God.

After 13 months in a refugee camp in Malaysia, I and some of my fellow passengers were transferred to the United States.

Years later, when I read Psalm 91:11—“For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways”—I understood: that was not luck. That was God's watchful care.

II. Narrow Escapes in My Youth

Actually, even before I boarded that boat, I had already narrowly escaped death several times.

The first time was when I was in middle school in Vietnam. I often rode bicycles to the countryside with friends. Back then, Vietnamese roads had no lane divisions — trucks, motorbikes, and bicycles all crowded together. I was young and reckless, loved showing off, and would ride with my hands off the handlebars. While going downhill, I didn't see a rock ahead. When my front wheel hit it, both the bike and I went flying toward the middle of the highway. At that very instant, a massive truck was coming straight at me.

I had no time to react. I only heard a tremendous “whoosh” by my ear as the truck's tires thundered past my head. The fierce wind kicked up by those high-speed tires lashed against my head and face, leaving in my memory the chilling terror and helplessness of that moment.

I only broke my wrist — my life was spared. If my head had been just a little farther forward, I would have been crushed by a truck that had no time to brake.

The second narrow escape was also in Vietnam. One day, I was being mischievous and stayed out late at night with friends in the cold wind. I caught a cold when I got home.

The next day, my mother wanted to take me to see a doctor, but it was 1975— the year of the change in government. The government was implementing a currency exchange, society was in chaos, hospitals were closed, and many doctors were not working. My parents managed to find a doctor with great difficulty, but he may have been in a bad mood that day and prescribed the wrong medicine.

After I took it, I suffered internal bleeding — my urine was nothing but blood. This went on for more than a day, and then I fell into a coma.

When I was taken to the hospital, almost no one was working, medicine couldn't be bought, and money was useless. The doctor said the only option was to find saline solution for an IV drip, but all the pharmacies were closed.

My father ran around all day and finally found a few bags of IV fluid. By then, I was already hallucinating and had lost consciousness. After the saline was administered, I slowly woke up.

My life was spared once again.

At that time, I did not know God. I simply thought I was “born lucky.” Looking back now, I know it wasn't luck — it was God preserving me and watching over me before I ever knew Him.

III.  A Failed Escape,

An Extraordinary Journey Home

Before I successfully left Vietnam by boat, I had one failed escape attempt — and that night I nearly didn't make it home.

That time, my brother-in-law and I set out together, bumping along the road to a rural rendezvous point agreed upon with the fishing boat. While waiting by the sea, we learned that the police had set up a perimeter along the coast, so the boat couldn't come in.

The escape plan had to be cancelled.

We couldn't stay in the area because hotels required identification, so we had to find a way back to Saigon.

It was 1am or 2am in the morning, and there weren't many vehicles on the road. We waited by the roadside for a long time, but not a single car was willing to stop for us.

Eventually, a truck carrying construction materials agreed to give us a ride. The truck bed was piled with lumber and long iron rods — no seats, no seatbelts. The driver asked if we still wanted to go. We had no other choice, so we climbed on top of the cargo as the driver instructed.

We lay on the uneven wood, gripping the iron rods beside us with all our might. The truck bounced along the road. Leaving aside the bone-jarring discomfort, any significant jolt, turn, or shift in position could have thrown us onto the pitch-black highway.

My brother-in-law kept telling me to hold on tightly to the iron rods. But half an hour into the journey, I was exhausted and had no strength left.

In desperation, I said, “I'm not holding on anymore. If I die, I die.”

Then I closed my eyes and fell asleep.

When I was later shaken awake, I learned that we had made it back to Saigon. I was astonished to find myself still alive.

I later found out that my brother-in-law had held on to me desperately, risking his own life so that I wouldn't fall off.

I had survived once again.

Four or five months after that, I left home alone and successfully escaped Vietnam by refugee boat.

Psalm 139:5 says, “You hem me in behind and before, and You lay Your hand upon me.”

That unseen hand — it was gently resting on me when my brother-in-law held me tightly, when I flew off my bicycle, and when I lay unconscious and unaware.

IV.  $200 and “Uncle Big Beard”

When I arrived in America as a refugee from impoverished Vietnam, I was 18 YO with only $200 to my name. I barely spoke any English, had no degree, no work experience, and no idea what the future held.

In my first year in America, at a busy intersection in Los Angeles, I saw a man with a full beard holding up a sign that read in English: “Jesus Loves You.”

My mind was full of questions: “Who is Jesus? Why would He love me? Do I even know Him?”

Since I had no relatives in America, the government found a sponsor family for me. They were all Christians. That was my first encounter with Christians.

At the time, I didn't know what kind of people Christians were. I just thought they were incredibly kind. They arranged housing for me, found me a school, bought me clothes, and patiently taught me how to adjust to a new life.

Over time, people came to my door distributing Bibles, and occasionally I would see someone on the street holding a “Jesus Loves You” sign again.

Slowly, my heart began to open to learning more. But even then, I still didn't know who this Jesus who loved me really was.

V. A Wild Horse and That Unseen Hand

With my parents far away, once I arrived in America, I was like a wild horse that had broken free of its reins.

I fell in with a group of friends from similar backgrounds. Many were also Vietnamese refugees whose parents were absent, with no one to watch over them. We hung out together, smoking, drinking, and on weekends a carload of us would drive 4-5 hours to Las Vegas to gamble.

One of them was a particularly good friend, also a Vietnamese-Chinese refugee who had escaped by boat. He later joined a gang and tragically died in a gang fight.

I had other friends who became professional gamblers. I personally witnessed a friend win a huge amount of money at a casino, buy a new car to show off  to everyone, and buy a new house. We were all quite envious of him at the time.

But a few months later, when I ran into him again, I learned that he had lost everything — including the car and house he had just been showing off. Overnight, he was back to having nothing at all.

Logically speaking, growing up in that circle of friends, I should have been dragged down with them. But somehow, I never became addicted. Instead, I chose to keep my distance from them.

At the time, I didn't understand where that self-restraint came from.

Now I understand.

As Psalm 139:5 says: “You hem me in behind and before, and You lay Your hand upon me.”

That unseen hand was always gently pulling me back, keeping me from falling into the abyss.

VI. “Speed” on the Highway

Starting in 1988, I worked as a mortgage consultant in the United States. Back then, there were no computers — all documents had to be handwritten, and official documents had to be typed on a typewriter.

What takes a few hours today took four or five times as long, or even more, back then.

Every day after work, I had to put in long hours of overtime just to finish my tasks. To make a living, I had to work more than ten hours a day.

By the time I got off work, it was usually already night, and I still had a 45-minute drive home on the highway.

Several times, I was so exhausted that I fell asleep at the wheel without even realising it.

Can you imagine? Driving on the highway with your eyes closed!

But every single time, at the most critical moment, I would suddenly jolt awake and see a massive truck — over a dozen meters long — roaring past me.

This terrifying scenario happened no fewer than five or six times, and each time I miraculously woke up just one second before a catastrophic accident.

(This is a personal testimony—please do not imitate.)

I now know that this was absolutely not because I was “born lucky” or had “good fortune”, and certainly not because I had quick reflexes.

It was because God had watched over me. Psalm 91:11 says, “For He will command His angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways.”

VII. Nine Years of “Decision”

In 2013, I participated in the first Gospel Music Singing Competition organised by Ark Gospel Church in Los Angeles and won third place.

Rev Steven Ho of Ark Gospel Church provided vocal training for the contestants before the competition and also shared the Gospel with us. Before becoming a pastor, he had been a singer from Taiwan. Later, he was called to become a pastor and founded Ark Gospel Church.

However, at the time, I was not moved by the Gospel.

I came from a very devout Buddhist family. My sister worshiped Guanyin every day and observed a vegetarian fast on the first and 15th days of every lunar month.

In college, I had studied anthropology and firmly believed in evolution. In my view, believing in Jesus was simply a life choice some people made — it had nothing to do with me.

But I loved those hymns.

Every time I sang them, I felt happy. Because I loved the hymns, I attended churches on and off, learned more songs, and made many Christian friends.

They were sincere and warm-hearted, and occasionally a thought would flicker through my mind: I wished I could be like them.

But the barriers I had built up over the years kept me from truly opening my heart.

In 2014, eager to prove my abilities through the competition results, I participated in Ark Gospel Church's singing competition again.

After the competition, I was invited on stage to receive the championship award. The pastor issued a call for salvation on the spot.

The atmosphere was electric. A Taiwanese celebrity singer had been invited to present the awards, and amid the fervent music and the pastor's call, my heart was moved.

Looking back, I made that decision on the awards stage in a state of half-reluctance. Even after making the decision, I had no real concept of what it meant.

For nine years after that decision, I never truly considered getting baptised.

Even though I attended gatherings at multiple churches, there was always a barrier in my heart that separated me from genuine Christian faith.

VIII. Prayers During the Pandemic

Then came the COVID-19 pandemic.

Lockdowns affected my work and daily life. I began to pray every night at exactly 8:30 pm.

I had seen information on a website saying that if Christians prayed together in unison, their prayers would reach heaven, and God might show mercy and bring the pandemic to an end.

So I set an alarm every day and prayed at 8:30 pm sharp.

Through this process, my faith gradually underwent a subtle transformation. I increasingly began to see myself as a Christian.

But it was when I took the baptism class that I truly began to know the Lord clearly.

Rev Albert Chiew gave me one-on-one baptism lessons. Because I had gone so many years without seeking to understand the faith, I felt considerable pressure and had to take it seriously.

I began to earnestly study the course materials and receive the truths of the Bible with my heart.

After that, I joined CMC's Bible study group and also began hand-copying Scripture, carefully studying books like Nehemiah.

Through this process, I learned a great deal, and my faith slowly grew.

Later, I also participated in the “Alpha” course series, which gave me tremendous insight.

As I studied, I reflected on the various experiences in my life and began to understand that surviving so many disasters was entirely due to God's care and protection.

One day, I read a short poem titled “Footprints in the Sand”. It tells of a man who dreams of reviewing his life and sees sometimes two sets of footprints in the sand, and sometimes only one. During his most painful and difficult times, there was only one set of footprints.

Looking at that single set of footprints — which he assumed were his own — he asked the Lord Jesus, “Lord, why did You leave me when I needed You most?”

The Lord replied, “My child, I never left you. When you saw only one set of footprints, that was when I was carrying you.”

I was deeply moved.

This short poem showed me that for all those years, God had been carrying me just like that.

God also said, “Never will I leave you; never will I forsake you” (Ref: Hebrews 13:5).

These words reminded me that I had been surrounded by God's care even before I recognised Him. Whether or not I knew Him, whether or not I accepted or acknowledged Him, the Lord was always there.

Before I knew Him, He was already quietly watching over me, accompanying me as I grew, leading me through one trial after another, and delivering me from one peril after another.

IX. Baptism: Nine Years of Resistance,

Finally Surrender

25 December 2023 was a bright and sunny Christmas Day — and the most important and unforgettable day of my life.

After nine long years since my decision — yes, I resisted and hesitated for a full nine years — I finally could no longer “resist” God's love, and I was baptised.

Baptism was the turning point of my life.

Becoming a true Christian not only increased my understanding but also transformed my thoughts and behaviour. More importantly, it allowed me to know the living God more clearly.

On the day of my baptism, I shared Rev Steven Ho’s original song, “Renewed in Strength, Renewed in Courage”, because this song expressed the cry of my heart:

“I once was disappointed, I once was lost,

                The Lord's loving kindness, the Lord's comfort, forever by my side.

                The Lord is my strength, the Lord is my power,

                Renewed in strength, renewed in courage, the Lord is my strength.

                No more disappointment, no more confusion,

                Renewed in strength, renewed in courage, Hallelujah!”

When I sang this song back then, I merely thought the melody was beautiful. I treated it as just a song — nothing more than a piece I had learned for a singing competition.

Now, when I sing it again, every single word resonates in my heart. No matter how lost or disappointed I once was, the Lord's loving kindness and comfort never left me, even when I never noticed.

Romans 5:8 says, “But God demonstrates His own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us.”

Jesus loves us!

He not only protected me when I was lost, but He also paid the price of His life to cleanse and redeem me, giving me the hope of eternal life.

Now I can say with great pride and great joy:

I am a loved Christian!

Conclusion: The Hands That Have Always Held Me

Looking back on this life — from the raging seas of Vietnam to the streets of America, from falling asleep on the highway to staying awake by the casino, from a muddled decision followed by nine years of resistance to finally being baptised into the Lord — what I see is not coincidence, not luck, but a pair of hands that have always been holding me.

Revelation 21:4 says, “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

This is God's promise to everyone who trusts in Him.

Whether you are right now in the midst of a storm, in confusion, in illness, or in a season of waiting — please believe that the Lord who carried you through the most difficult stretches of your life has always been there.

“You hem me in behind and before, and You lay Your hand upon me” (Psalm 139:5).

He hemmed me in before, He hems me in now, and He will hem me in forever — until that day when I see Him face to face.

May all glory and praise be to the Lord who loves me, forever and ever.

Amen!